Hope
Six months after the death of my first husband I attended a Saturday morning grief support workshop. One of the things that I learned at this workshop is that writing is a healthy way to release painful grief emotions. Additionally, writing about our experience is one of the ways that we make sense out of what happened. Getting our words down on paper helps us to process and to sort out not only what happened to our loved one—but what happened to us.
And it doesn’t matter if we write on a sheet of paper, in our journal or on our computer. This is one of those whatever works best for you things. This nugget of information gave me hope because at this point in time I was looking for anything that would accelerate (not possible I figured out) healing. And most of all, I was really looking for anything constructive that would make my grief pain go away.
Off To The Bookstore
I decided that a paper journal with a beautiful leather cover was the way to go since I had never tried writing for any reason before. After the workshop I drove to my local bookstore and purchased a very expensive journal (Oh, the things we purchase when we are grieving…) and a packet of expensive new ink pens. I went home, sat down at my kitchen table, and started writing about my pain, sadness, anger… The next day I wrote about the same thing. Pain, sadness, anger… In fact, everyday for the next week I journaled my heart out writing about what I was feeling. Pain, sadness, anger…
The result was not what I expected. I felt worse! And not the kind of worse that happens when you shed a layer of grief pain and at the same time experience a degree of healing. Which made me even more angry. I realized that writing wasn’t working for me. So I put my expensive journal and my fancy ink pens away in my desk drawer. Needless to say, I was very disappointed.
The Missing Piece Of The Writing Puzzle
Why didn’t I get the result that I wanted? What did I miss? Figuring out what went wrong became my number one priority—I started reading everything about writing for healing that I could get my hands on—and the answer found me. Here’s what I learned. When we only think about the pain, sadness, anger or when we dwell on the negative events and the pain. What happens is that we get lost in the pain, sadness, anger… And what we meditate on gets wired (like cement) into our brain and heart—and every into cell in our body. The result is that we get stuck in a negative and nonproductive thinking feeling loop. We start feeling the way we think and thinking the way that we feel—just like a hamster stuck on a wheel—and sometimes we don’t even realize it.
The same thing happens when we only write about our pain and our sadness and our anger… We get lost in the pain and the negative. Fortunately, there is a way to correct this situation and make writing for healing work us. The solution is found in making the choice to develop a forward thinking feeling writing plan that helps us to rewire our brain, heart, and every cell in our body for healing. Acknowledging our loss and pain and at the same time allowing us to move forward. This is done with the following three step plan.
The Three Step Plan
We do need to write about the raw pain and all the negative feelings and all the awful things that happened. However, at some point we have to stop looking in the rear-view mirror because we need to redirect our thinking and writing to the present and then to the future. Making this shift in our thinking and writing can be difficult—don’t give up. Limit your time to 30 minutes a session.
Day One: Share your story on paper. Include your raw emotions. Don’t hold back. Let it rip.
Day Two: Write your story again. Let your feelings pour out again. However, this time also write about what you are learning and list at least one thing that you are grateful for. You are working hard—add in a note to yourself and remind yourself that you are doing a really good job navigating your personal healing journey. Write about all of the things that you are doing right!
Day Three: Write your story again but this time include what you are learning and how it is changing you in a positive growth way. Push yourself even more forward in healing by writing down a few new future goals for yourself. For example, taking a class or booking a trip or cleaning your house…. It’s okay and it’s healing to look forward to the future. This is the work of healing.
What If I Don’t Want Anyone To Ever See What I Wrote?
Many of us don’t want anyone to ever see what we wrote. In fact, a few years ago I found my first journal and as I read through it I realized that I never wanted anyone to read it—so I said goodbye to it and with a grateful heart placed it into my garbage can. Other people that I know have locked up their journals in a home safe or bank security box—or burned their journals in a backyard fire pit. Watching your writing go up in smoke is a symbol of letting go for many people. However, if you decide to burn your journal do it in an outside fire pit and have your hose hooked up and turned on.
When we share our experience we help each other to heal. What has this been like for you?
Do You Want To Learn More About The Thinking Feeling Loop?
There is more information about the Thinking and Feeling Loop and how it works in my book Grieving Forward Death Happened, Now What? on page 79.