Myths about grief and mourning are woven into the fabric of our society. Unfortunately, these myths are not harmless because they can easily become hurdles to healing. The good news is that when we understand what’s normal for grief—what grief is and what grief does—we can identify and avoid misinformation. Which allows us to navigate our personal healing journey in a healthy and productive way—and also allow us to help, support and encourage others who are grieving in healthy and productive way.
Myth 1: We only grieve the death of a close loved one.
Reality: We grieve all significant loss. Unfortunately, this fact is often times overlooked. The result is that when we experience feelings of stress, sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, confusion, despair, short temper, euphoria, depression, physical or emotional pain… or maybe we just can’t put our finger on it—we miss the possible connection between what we are experiencing and a past or recent significant loss. Which means that we can be grieving and not even realize it because there are many Life Events That Can Trigger Loss
It’s important to note that what is a significant loss for one person may not be a significant loss for another person.
Myth 2: The Experience of grief and mourning are the same.
Reality: Many people use the words grief and mourning interchangeable. However, there is an important distinction between them. Grief is the internal pain, thoughts, and feelings what we experience after a significant loss. Mourning, on the other hand, is the outward and public expression of the internal grief pain, thoughts, and feelings that we are experiencing. For example, crying, preparing for a funeral, wearing black, lighting a candle, or sharing memories. Additionally, grieving is the process of working through our loss. And both grieving and mourning are part of the healing process.
Myth 3: Outward expressions of grief are a sign of weakness or lack of faith.
Reality: Grief is the normal, predictable, and expected reaction to loss. Grief is pain. Grief is stress. Which means that outward expressions of grief are normal—they are not indicators of emotional or mental weakness or lack of faith. Tears for example have a job. When we are grieving excess stress chemicals build up in our body and one of the ways that our body releases these excess stress chemicals is in our tears. Psychology Today Health Benefits of Tears Crying also releases internal tension in the body. Additionally, faith is an anchor of comfort and support for many people. However, having faith does not eliminate grief pain or the need to do the work of grieving and healing.
Outward expressions of grief are labeled as weakness because outward expressions of grief make many people uncomfortable. They are a reminder that loss and grief are real and happen to all of us. This is especially true after a death when mortality becomes reality. If we can somehow make ourselves look and act as if nothing of importance happened—even though something of great importance did happen—the people around us who are uncomfortable can continue pretending that nothing of importance actually did happen. This is why we are told not to cry, to just have another child, to sign up for online dating, to just find another job, or to suck it up… What’s Your Grief 64 of The Worst Things Ever Said to a Griever
Myth #4 Grief is only an emotional reaction.
Reality: Grief is not just an emotional experience. Grief also has physical cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions, which many times manifest as Normal Grief Reactions. For example, physical pain is a normal grief reaction that is frequently overlooked. Dr. Daniel Amen, MD shares the following in his book, Change Your Brain Change Your Life:
“The death of a parent, spouse or child causes intense sadness and grief. In these familial relationships, there is often a tight neurochemical bond (from the myriad of stored emotional memories and experiences). When it is broken, the activity of the deep limbic system is disrupted. Many who experience grief say the pain actually feels physical. This sensation is not imaginary. Grief often activates the pain centers of the brain, which are housed near the deep limbic system.” 1
Additionally, if you are experiencing chest pain or tightness in your chest it’s time to see your doctor. Because it is also not uncommon for chest pain after a significant loss to be related to an actual heart health issue and not just grief. The recommendation is to make an appointment with your doctor to go over all the Normal Grief Reactions/symptoms that you are experiencing.
Myth 5: We slowly and predictably move through the “stages” of grief and recover.
Reality: In her book, On Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross listed the five stages of dying. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, she never intended for people to literally interpret these stages or for these stages to be applied to the process of bereavement, grief, or mourning. The truth is that healing is not a simple five step once and done process. The Grief Recovery Method Stages of Grief: The Myth
- Healing is the mental and emotional process of working through painful grief emotions, unwanted role and responsibility changes, Normal Grief Reactions, and all the secondary loss and unwanted change bought about by the death of a close loved one or other significant loss. As we heal the pain of grief slowly diminishes.
- Healing is the ongoing process of integration and acceptance of the loss into our mind, brain, every cell in our body and into our ongoing life story. Integration and acceptance is a process that is filled with many, sometimes painful, transitions. Additionally, each of us heals on our own personal healing timetable. However, even when healing has occurred after the death of a close loved one, for the rest of our lives we can experience surges or upwellings of grief. In general. The intensity and duration of these surges decreases as time marches on.
- Healing is returning to a place of wholeness and normal functioning once again. After the death of a close loved one this means returning to the level that you were functioning at before the death occurred.
When we share our experience, we help each other to heal. What has this been like for you?
End Note: 1. Dr. Daniel Amen, MD Change Your Brain Change Your Life (44)