Grief Changes Friendships Sometimes
Grief changes friendships sometimes. Hopefully you have at least one or two friends that are walking this journey with you and supporting and encouraging you. Thank God for these people! Unfortunately, for some of us this is not the case. Sometimes death and grief expose the weeds in our friendships. Sadly, some of our friendships never recover. Let’s take a look.
Everyone Involved Is Grieving
Grief impacts everyone who is related to or friends with our loved one—and grief shows up in different ways for each person involved because each of us deals with grief differently. These differences are why some friends are able to jump on board and help us navigate life without our loved one—and why other friends mysteriously disappear. Normal Grief Reactions
This is why some friends engage with us in healthy ways and why some friends leave us feeling confused, possibly angry… and sometimes feeling very much alone. Which is why we sometimes we find ourselves asking, “Who are these people?” For example:
In The Grocery Store
Helen was in the grocery store a few weeks after her daughter’s death—and she really didn’t want to be there. As she was reaching up to grab a box of cereal off a top shelf, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed her friends Nancy and Marie. She turned her head towards them and was ready to greet them… but instead she watched them do something very strange. They looked directly at her—paused—looked at each other—turned on a dime—and took off as fast as they could in the opposite direction. She was too emotionally and physically drained to track them down and ask them what their problem was.
Hiding Behind The Clothes Rack In the Department Store
Another friend shared with me that she happen to notice two of her friends duck down and hide behind a clothing rack in the department store where she was shopping. And she decided to have some fun. So, she walked up to the clothing rack, looked over the rack, and asked them what the heck they were doing… She enjoyed watching them squirm—maybe a little too much. Oh well. This is a good reminder to find your humor if you have lost it.
Stop By For A Visit
A longtime friend asked me to stop over for a visit a few weeks after my husband Donald died. My expectation was that we would sit and chat and maybe even find something to laugh about. Boy was I wrong.
We were sitting at her kitchen table catching up when she abruptly changed the conversation. She stood up, leaned in over the table, and looked me in the eyes. I could not believe what I heard next! She told me that I was a widow now—and warned me to stay away from her husband! Why? Because he was a good catch… I was shocked and speechless.
However, I was shocked because this was the moment that the reality that I was a widow hit me like a brick. Up until this moment it had not occurred to me that I was a widow—and this realization knocked the air out of my lungs. I was speechless because her words were insulting to me. My character and my integrity. I stood up. I didn’t say a word because frankly I could not speak—and I walked out the door.
The anger that I felt was so intense that I could feel the steam rolling off my head. However, as I journeyed home I slowly began to see the humor and the absurdity in the entire situation. Her husband is a sloppy dresser, boring, very controlling… and all he does is sit in his recliner when he isn’t at work. Why on earth does she think he’s a good catch? I closed the door on this friendship.
Note: What I found out from my friends who were widowed before me and from my friends who are divorced is that this is normal. Many people get very protective of their spouse/partner. Which is why it’s a good idea never to find yourself in a situation where you are alone with anyone’s spouse or partner because their significant other just might think that you are on the move… Call before you visit.
Over Lunch
This is one of my favorite stories because it is unbelievable! A friend asked me to meet her for lunch and I accepted. As we were eating she told me that she was tired of making her husband’s lunch every night for work the next day… And—that I was so lucky that my husband died because now I could pick out a new one… I almost choked on my burger. I let her ramble on. Frankly, it to took more than a few minutes to process her words. I paid my bill. Left and never looked back—except that every time I drive by this restaurant or eat there I think of her—and say a prayer for her husband. People say “dumb” things…
Some Friends Disappear
There were people that I didn’t see again until one or two years after Donald’s death. Only to be told that they didn’t know what to say so they stayed away… And there were a few friendships where he was the glue that held the friendship together and those faded away. This is all normal. However, you may need to grieve the loss of some of your friendships too. When this happens this loss of friendship is a secondary loss related to the death.
Secondary Loss
Secondary loss many times referred to as secondary grief. It’s important to keep in mind that secondary loss is not less important, less intense or less difficult to process, navigate and work through. In some instances, secondary is more impactful that the initial loss. This is just the way secondary loss works.
Now What?
Sometimes a friend or family member acts awkward or distant because they just don’t know what to say. And they need us to give them permission to talk about our loved one. Usually, if this is the problem, when we give them permission to talk with us about our loved one the relationship moves forward.
Benefits Of Joining A Grief Support Group
Joining a good grief support group is helpful because when we do we meet other people who share a similar loss. Additionally, this is a safe place place for you find your words. To speak those words aloud and to know that you have been heard. Plus, we help others to heal when we listen to them share their story.
Click here to learn more about what to look for in a grief support group.
Now What? Take Charge Of Your Healing Today
