Will A New Relationship Take Away the Pain?
After one of my very first workshops a woman walked up to me and asked me the following question, “Will a new relationship take away the pain?” She shared that her husband had died unexpectedly a few months before and that she was looking for a way out of the pain – and that finding someone new to love – sounded exciting and like it might work.
Over the years, I have been asked this same question so many times that I have lost count. And not just from people who have lost their spouse or partner. I’ve been asked this question by people who have experienced the death of a child or other family member… And I get it. It’s normal to wonder how to make the pain go away. Unfortunately, a new relationship is not how the pain goes away. Too bad it wasn’t that easy. The bottom line is that jumping into a new relationship is only a diversion from doing the work of grieving and healing. And unresolved grief pain will come back and bite you in the behind when it’s left to fester.
Walking Through the Pain
Walking through the pain is how healing happens. Because the pain of grief is not something that you can go over or under or around or run ahead of… The only way to resolve this pain is to walk through it. Many times, this is referred to as Grief Work. Or grieving. Simply put, this is all about all of the emotional and mental tasks and processes that you must complete in order to resolve your grief. In other words, grief work is the emotional and mental process of working through painful grief emotions, unwanted role and responsibility changes, and all the secondary loss and unwanted change, sometimes wanted change, brought about the death.
The great news is grieving is part of the healing process. They work hand in hand. As we grieve, we heal. And as we heal, we grieve. Which boils down to this. You are already in the process of healing. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. This is Great News!
Other Diversions
The pain will not go away if you self-medicate with recreational/prescription drugs, alcohol, sex, food or excessive spending. Prescription drugs are necessary and helpful in some cases. However, drugs need to be taken as directed by a physician. If you choose to numb your pain and your mind with drugs or alcohol to the point where you are not able to function, you need to understand that when you discontinue using, you will be starting your grief work at the point that you were at when you started using. Note: Relapsing while grieving is possible – make the choice not to land in this hole and find help if you need to!
The Good News
A new relationship may be in your future. Learn how to be content by yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Go through every holiday and special day and the anniversary of the death. Every first. Because you need to find out who you are on these days without your loved one. Waiting two years is even better. That said. It’s not about how much time has gone by since the death – it’s about how much healing has happened. Finding a therapist who specializes in grief and loss can be very helpful.
Check out What Normal Grief Is Not in our book, Grieving Forward: Death Happened, Now What? starting on page 39…
