From Widowed to Single
Shortly after Donald’s death the fact that I was a widow sank in. However, it took me another nine months to realize that I was single. I’m not sure what motivated me to attend the singles group at church. Well, yes, I do. My daughter’s grandfather thought it was a good idea. The day of the event arrived, and I waffled back and forth all afternoon about going. My then thirteen-year-old daughter, who had been listening to me muttering under my breath all afternoon, gave me a pep talk. She told me that I should step out and try new things—just like I was always pushing her to do. And she reminded me that just like I always told her when she went out somewhere – I better be at the singles group and not out shopping or reading books in the cafe at Barnes & Noble—because she would find out.
I Took My Time Driving to the Meeting
I did think about turning around and going home. Or going shopping. However, the desire to set a good example for my daughter was stronger. So, I went, and I was where I was supposed to be. Well, that’s a half truth. The whole truth is that my daughter’s grandpa knew these people – they are his church friends, and he had told them that I was coming. I knew that if I didn’t show up word would get back to him. And eventually the rest of the family, including my daughter, would find out.
Since This Was a Singles Group, I Should Have Known That I Was Single, Right?
Well, this fact didn’t occur to me until the middle of the meeting. The people there were very nice and over the years I have maintained friendships with many of them. That night however, a whole new world opened up to me. Because before this point in time, for twenty-five years, I had been limited to socializing with married couples.
So, there I sat in an unknown living room that was full of people who were sharing the realities of being single and talking about alive ex-spouses. All of the sudden, a very painful thought crossed over from my sub-conscious mind and into my conscious mind. In that moment I realized that I was, in fact, single—just like the rest of the people in the room. This truth hit my heart like a brick. I was shocked! I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The room spun around and the voices in the room seemed to drift far away. I was glad that I was sitting down and not standing. I wanted to run out of the room, but I couldn’t get my body to move. Time seemed to stop. Then time dragged. So many new painful and scary realizations and thoughts were racing through my mind and body that I thought that I was going to be sick.
It Was a Long Ride Home
When I arrived home, I told my daughter “Never Again.” She rolled her eyes. She then mumbled something about me being a bit over dramatic… Exhaustion took over. I went into my bedroom. Closed the door. And I cried myself to sleep.
In spite of the emotional trauma, I didn’t want to stay stuck in this point in my healing process either, because this spot was emotionally painful and uncomfortable too. I determined that I was going to move forward—even if, as usual, I wasn’t really sure what that entirely meant. The next morning, I got up, got dressed and faced the world again. And I started attending the singles group – and I didn’t know it until months later – but I had met the man I would marry a few years later. Who would have thought?
Each new truth that we discover along our individual path of healing is only revealed to us when we are ready handle it. From discovering that we are single to accepting that our identity as Mr. or Mrs. or “We” has now become “Me.” All of this is difficult to process and sort out. But it’s how we heal forward.
We wrote, Grieving Forward: Death Happened, Now What? for you so that you don’t have to figure out and learn things the hard way like we did.
