Defining Support After the Death of My Loved One

What Do I Need?  Defining Support After The Death Of My Loved One

What Do I Need? This is a very important question to ask yourself because after the death of a loved one support is a number one need.  And when we don’t get the support that we need/want unmet expectations can cause relationship problems with our family members, friends, co-workers…  Which is why defining what support means to you is your starting point.  Support after the death of a loved one typically means feeling loved and receiving help.  For example, we may need a trusted friend or family member to step in and relieve us of some of our yard work responsibilities during the first few weeks after the death.  Or, if you are now the only parent you may need a trusted friend to provide childcare until you are able to interview and hire a professional.  The following list will help you to sort this out by starting with a few possible expectations.

What do I expect?

• Do I expect frequent telephone or FaceTime calls from my family and friends?           
• Do I expect frequent text messages from family and friends?
• Do I expect my children to take over different household chores? Washing clothes?  Mowing the grass?  Shopping?  Cleaning?
• Do I expect family and friends to drive me places?
• Do I expect someone to pump my gas for me because I don’t know how?
• Do I expect to be taken out to eat at least once a week?
• Do I expect my co-workers to cut me some slack? Give me sympathy?
• Do I expect my pastor to call daily or visit me on a weekly basis?
• Does support mean knowing that someone is praying for me?
• Do I hope for or expect financial assistance from different family members or friends?
• Do I expect family and friends to assist me with my new daycare needs?

Have You Shared Your Expectations?

Have you shared your needs and expectations with your family and friends?  Sometimes we assume that others automatically know what we need, when the fact is, they are often times clueless.  It’s important to keep in mind that no one can read your mind.  Other times, however, we can place unrealistic expectations on others.  However, even if your expectations are realistic, if the help isn’t going to happen, fair or not, it’s time for a new plan.

You Need To Become Your Own Number One Supporter

Sometimes what we think others ought to be doing for us are things that we need to start learning how to do—or things that we just need to start doing for ourselves.  Don’t underestimate your abilities.  You are capable of learning new skills and using what you already know and being your own number one supporter.

More helpful information: Grieving Forward: Death Happened, Now What? Page 71.  Lack of Support Tops the “Pitfall” list.