Where Is Your Wedding Ring?
After Donald died I was at a friend’s house and her husband’s mother was visiting. She had been widowed for over twenty years and she was also a friend of my husband Donald’s family. As we were chatting about Donald’s death she looked down at my hands and gasped. A look of disbelief and horror crossed over her face. I wondered what on earth was wrong. With anger in her voice she blurted out, “Where is your wedding ring?” Before I had time to think let along answer she took over the conversaton. Explaining to me that I had no business taking my wedding ring off… She lectured me for at least ten minutes. I was stunned. I could not believe what I was hearing. And I was irritated!
What She Didn’t Know
What she didn’t know was that I was sad that I didn’t have a ring to wear. A few months before Donald died the band on my wedding ring cracked. We took it to the jewelry store in town and found out that it was not fixable. And we had been looking for a new ring for me before he died. But we weren’t moving too fast on this purchase because we had just spent a large sum of money on a chicken coop and a pole barn… And truthfully, I was looking at her and wondering why whe had not taken her rings off yet – it had be twenty years… This encounter shines the spotlight on individual expectations and how we each grieve differently. The truth is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with your wedding ring or your spouses wedding ring. And in fact – it’s no one’s business.
It’s No Ones Business
Wearing your ring may bring you comfort while you are grieving. Or, wearing your ring may drive you nuts. You may rotate between wearing it and taking it off. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do. Additionally, there is also no set rule regarding what to do with your spouse’s ring. You can put it in a safe deposit box, a drawer, or you can wear it on a necklace. However, do not give your ring or your spouses ring to a family member or friend before you are ready. And no family member or friend should be asking for your ring or your spouses ring or telling you what to do with either of them. And it’s okay to tell someone that it’s none of their business.
When You Are Ready
Some people store the ring(s) in a safe deposit box for safe keeping. If you want a family member or friend to have the ring(s) after your death make sure this is specified in your will/trust/legal documents. Some people have a new piece of jewelry made out of the existing wedding ring or rings. Other people take the ring out and wear it occasionally. Do whatever you want. And again. Do not let someone bully you into giving them your ring or your spouses ring. If they get mad, so what. You may be grieving but you are still in charge of your life and you have not lost your healthy boundary setting abilities.
Learn more about Mementos and Linking Items: It’s All a Matter of Perception starting on page 99 in our book, Grieving Forward: Death Happened, Now What? It is your practical guide for healing.