We Grieve All Loss
Often times overlooked is the fact that grief is the normal and predictable reaction to all types of significant loss – not just the death of a close loved one. For example, loss of job, loss of health, loss of youth, death of pet, empty nest, Covid deaths and shutdowns…
When it comes to significant loss, however, it’s also important to understand that what is a significant loss for one person may not be for another person. Additionally the intensity and duration of grief pain that someone experiences after a significant loss is also an individaul experience because each of us is a unique individual. Pain is a measurement of love.
Loss And Grief Pain Are Normal
The key thing to remember is that loss and grief pain are a normal part of being human and living in this world. The problem is that we live in a culture where the expection is to pretend that all is well when all is not well. The general expectation is to stuff painful emotions and words because outward expression of grief pain – mouring – makes many people uncomfortable or it doesn’t fit in with their personal or political agenda.
What Happened To Me Can Happen To You
After a significant loss we are the uncomfortable reminder that what happened to me (my loved one) can happen to you (your loved one). This is especially true after the death of a close loved one when we become the billboard with flashing lights highlighting the fact that mortality is reality. That each of us has an expiration date. Another example is when someone’s health takes a dive and they become the reminder that good health can change on a dime. On and on the list of significant loss goes…
However, after a significant loss, if we stuff our pain and tears and if we look and act normal for the people around us who are uncomfortable with any level of loss and who do not understand grief pain and how healing happens… they can go on with their life pretending that nothing bad happened – even though it did. Give yourself permission to let these people go because they really don’t care about what you are dealing with right now -and they may never understand. You get it and you need to focus on what you need to do for your healing. And if you have children the focus needs to be on helping each one of them navigate their persoanl healing journey.
Stuffing Painful Emotions Isn’t Healthy
The problem is that stuffing painful emotions has been scientifically linked to illness. Everything from heart disease to allergies have been connected to unresolved grief pain and emotions. And unresolved grief impacts relationships negatively. This is why it is so important that we acknowledge what we are feeling. And give ourselves permission to work through the emotional, mental, and physcial pain of grief, all the secondary loss involved, role and responsiblity changes and all the unwanted change realted to the loss in a healthy and productive way.
When we understand what grief is and what grief does – what’s normal for grief – it’s easier to navigate our personal healing journey. Make a list of all the unwanted (we grieve wanted change too sometimes) change that you are dealing with. Don’t minimize how hard that you are working right now. After a death most of us find that we have secondary loss to grieve.
Tell Your Friends What You Need
Friends and family members can’t read your mind. Tell them what you need. And you can’t read minds either. Ask friends and family members what they need. Allow yourself to cry and give friends and family members permission to cry and to grieve in their own way,too.
Become Your Own #1 Supporter
Become your own number one supporter… And learn as much as you can about what’s normal for grief. Because when we understand what’s normal for grief it’s easier to navigate our personal healing journey. Which is why we wrote the book, Grieving Forward: Death Happened, Now What? We don’t want you to have to figure out and learn things the hard way like we did.